Solidarity in Motherhood
I’m sure you have all seen the witty graphic tees with the saying “World’s Okayest Mom”. I will just say how much I resonate with that shirt. Not even necessarily that I feel that way about myself, but perhaps I do. It is more that the concept of “okay” being somewhere between the opposite ends of the spectrum of “good” and “bad”. As moms, there is So. Much. Judgement. regarding our choices.
Good mom. Bad mom. Right decision. Wrong decision. This very black and white concept, this binary categorization of judgement is not ok and needs to stop. And it begins even before conception. Did you get pregnant naturally or using fertility treatments? Did you drink caffeine while you were pregnant? Take medications? Eat raw deli meat? Judgement is even passed on the way in which sweet babes are birthed into this world—did you have a c-section? A water birth? Did you use a doula? Did you get an epidural? Are you breastfeeding or bottle-feeding? Pacifier or no pacifier? The list goes on and on and on…
What if we gave up the judgement? Set it gently down and came together as more alike than different.
More imperfect than perfect. More curious than critical. Bound together in our shared humanness.
What if we allowed each mother to make the decisions that she feels is best for her own child(ren) and come together in the raw commonality of being a mother?
What about the mom with the newborn who is always so put together, looks more disheveled and teary-eyed than usual? What if we just gently gave her a hug and ask if she was ok. Even if she says “yes”—let’s keep checking in with her. Send her a text the next few days to let her know we are thinking of her. Send her a funny meme.
What about the mom at preschool drop-off who briefly mentions her marriage struggles… when in fact her marriage is crumbling around her? Let’s slow down from our busy lives just for a moment to ask her, to see her, to listen to her.
What about the mom in Target—the one who just needs three more things but her newborn is letting the entire store know that she has had enough of mommy’s wonderland…. (This has indeed been me, in the past…) What if we offer to push her cart or go grab her last items while she goes to check out or takes the baby to the car or sits down to feed her?
What about the mom who is suffering deep grief? Feels like she can hardly get out of bed to take care of her children because her burden feels so heavy. What if we offer to pick up her groceries? Or drive her kids to school or dance class? Or to sit with her… without judgement… whether she feels like talking or not.
What about the mom whose toddler is throwing an epic tantrum in the middle of the grocery store? We’ve all been there, right? Even if she is choosing to handle the situation differently than you or I would—what if we made eye contact with her and just whispered “I’ve been there too. You got this.”
There is a solidarity here that we are missing big time. And there is so much to be gained from doing this life from a place of “okayness” rather than from a place of judgement.
This strange, strange COVID lifestyle is so incredibly isolating to begin with, and our judgement of one other makes it that much harsher and lonelier. We have to be even more creative in our offerings of love and concern. But it can be done! I have experienced it myself, and have felt overwhelmingly loved as a result. Please hear me that I am reminding myself of all of this as well. I want to grow in this area of nonjudgmental unity and offer love to other mamas right where they are at.
Would you join me? Join me in celebrating our shared human experience of motherhood by looking around our little corner of the world to find those mamas who need to know they are not walking this journey alone.