Why I Never Ask My Kids “How Was Your Day?”
“Fine.” “Good.” “Boring.” I don’t know about you, but I get pretty weary of the monosyllable responses from my kids sometimes, because I am truly interested in their day. I find human behavior—especially that of my children—fascinating, and I wish I could be a fly on the wall in their school all day long to see who they are talking to, how they are working in groups, how others are responding to them, if they are being kind, etc….
After a few years of this terse after school exchange, I have learned a few things. I will offer them here and see if any resonate with you and your family.
1. My kids arrive home from school tired and hungry. I have revised my routine to include grabbing a snack with or for them, sitting down with them—no screens allowed—and engaging with them.
2. I hug them when they walk in the door. Research shows us all of the benefits of human touch, and this time of reconnection is a perfect time to slip this in.
3. I allow them to take the lead in sharing with me. I watch and listen for their cues and if I feel that there is something they want to discuss but might not know how, I try to spend some time engaging in an activity with them, to create a non-threatening environment for them to talk.
4. When they talk, I listen. Really listen. Eye contact and all. No phone. Reflecting back what they say, and asking questions as I feel appropriate.
5. With the exception of any topics they bring up earlier (see #3), I provide consistent opportunities for my kids to open up both at dinnertime and at bedtime.
Let’s dive a little deeper into dinner table conversations with the kids. Some nights, ok most nights, dinnertime at our house is CRAAAAAAAZY. We are all tired, I might be a bit stressed with making dinner, making sure it is warm for my husband when he comes home, trying to reinforce the kids participating in their pre-dinner chores to help get dinner on the table, etc. Does any of this sound familiar for you and your family? It might sound almost laughable to try to draw out conversation from the kids during this circus-like chaos. However, what I have found is that having a type of structured activity, again that the kids rely on, actually helps tame the chaos. The goal of this time is to lead the family in engaging in more meaningful conversation. Since we eat family dinner together every night, the kids have associated this as a time when they can share. Consistency is key!
Another time that I intentionally engage with the emotional needs of my kids is at bedtime. In counseling, there is a concept called “doorknob communication”. This is when a client brings up a huge issue right at the end of a counseling session (when their hand is on the doorknob…). I see this happen at bedtime as well. My kids have something they need to tell me and when they are clean and snuggled in bed and it is quiet, as their bodies are about to drift off to sleep, they will sometimes open up. We have had some really sweet… as well as some really hard… conversations in the safety and stillness of bedtime.
The key to getting a different answer from “How was your day?”, is to change the question. I have listed out a few questions that I created, and that my family uses, during this time. I have utilized different questions like this over the years, and in different ways. One of the ways we use them is in a draw out of a hat style, where I wrote the question on a popsicle stick and a different person choses each night. I typically let “the chooser” grab two questions and then choose the one they want to answer to be the question for all of us that night. We go around the table and let each person answer. Here are some questions to get you started, and I have also created a free pdf of 30 Alternatives to “How Was Your Day?”.
1. What made you laugh today?
2. What did you see someone do that was kind today?
3. Who did you play with on the playground? What did y’all play?
These questions can be modified to fit your situation depending on the type of schooling your children receive, the ages of your children, etc. I have found it to be beneficial if I can ask questions that attune my children to emotions, as well as desirable character traits so that these concepts grow and develop over time as my children grow in social/emotional intelligence. I also try to end these discussions on a positive or even silly note, so that the kids don’t dread this time and don’t go to sleep with heavy thoughts.
These conversations with our children are so very important as their hearts are being shaped and molded. These questions convey love to our children—showing them that we care about them. This is also a great way to plant the seeds of showing kids about intentional living, loving others, and learning about their own emotional needs. We have such a huge task as parents, don’t we? Keep up with these meaningful conversation-starters and you will begin to form that deeper connection with your child that you are craving.