Kids Don’t Need to Smile All the Time

I absolutely love my middle daughter’s elementary school. The teachers work tirelessly, the counselor is amazing, and the Principal cares greatly for the students. In the fall, my youngest will also be attending this school. Last week, they had “Kindergarten Roundup”, to allow the incoming Kindergartners a look around the school. It was a wonderful event. They even had a theme of “signing day”, having a display set up where the incoming students sign this card with a list of things that they agree to do upon coming to Kindergarten. One of the things on the list to sign was “Come to school with a smile on my face”. This is where things got sticky for me.

I had to sit with it for a while to figure out why I disagreed. And I realized, it sounds a lot like a phrase I have heard parents use when a child is throwing a tantrum: “Come back here when you have a smile on your face.” I’m guessing a lot of us have said this once or twice or more.. including myself. I am trying hard not to anymore. Here’s why:

 ~Expecting kids to always have a smile sets the acceptable emotional standard at “happiness”. Why is this a problem? Expecting kids to always be happy denies them the very human experience of feeling a wide variety of emotions. So, the expectation would be to either not feel anything else or pretend that they are happy when they are not. This coincides with the “fake it till you make it” doctrine, to which I also usually disagree. Humans need to be accepted regardless of their emotional state.

~Expecting kids to always have a smile inhibits the learning of emotional literacy. Two facets of emotional literacy are identifying/naming emotions and learning how to manage those emotions. When children are expected to be happy all the time, they are not able to honor the ebb and flow of their true emotional state; therefore not learning how to identify other emotions, nor practice ways to cope with them in a healthy manner.

~Expecting kids to always have a smile causes shame for feelings other than happiness. Essentially, the moral judgment of “good” is being placed on happiness. What room does that leave for any other feelings? What does this say to kids that might be nervous? Sad? Angry? Embarrassed? This could tell children that any other feeling than happiness is “bad”. Children tend to internalize things like this and might find themselves feeling that they are bad if they are not always happy.

 Self-awareness and emotional literacy are acutely important to manage the steady current of feelings that all humas experience. As these little humans grow, they need to be able to name their feelings and manage their responses, especially when the feelings are big. We need to teach kids to explore their emotions. We need to give them vocabulary to name them. We need to honor their experience of holding conflicting emotions. We need to help them choose positive ways to express their feelings. We need to coach them to truly feel their feelings and manage their behavior in healthy ways… which is not always through a smile; though it might be, sometimes.

What do you think about kids and emotional literacy? Do you think they should always have a smile? Would love to hear your thoughts at allison_henley@hotmail.com

 **This one statement does not cause me to love the elementary school any less. This post was simply exploring my feelings around the expectation of a smile.

Photo cred: @adigold1