Sacred Attention in a Distracted World
I have been mulling over and reflecting lately on the concept of “sacred attention”. You see, I have recently defined my love language as “focused attention”. I realize that it is not one that Gary Chapman outlines in his “The 5 Love Languages” book, but I am certain that it is mine. I truly value undivided attention. I think most of us probably do. I want to be seen, and heard, and understood. I want to be known. Really known. I want validation for my feelings—even if they seem out of place or confusing or too intense. Can you relate to these desires?
“When we relate to each other with sacred attention, we step into the light of who God is. God’s inner life of love is reflected in our gazes and glances, our words and shared silences, our prayers, tears, and sight, our long hugs in the terrors of the night.”
-KJ Ramsey, “This Too Shall Last: Finding Grace When Suffering Lingers”.
These 3 concepts are the ones that bring most value in my personal definition of sacred attention.
In order of importance, according to me. 😉
1. Make eye contact
My oldest daughter has ADHD. This was evident many years prior to her diagnosis, basically from the time she turned one. Her vibrant, fast-moving brain is constantly hungry for information and stimulation. My husband deployed for a year when she was 14 months old, so at that point it was up to me to help her begin to develop some of her social skills, among other things. One I held as priority was eye contact. I began saying to her “look at my eyes”, and would gently put my hands on her cheeks and turn her face towards mine. What I understand about said daughter now, is that a lot of the time she is truly listening even when not making eye contact, but it is the eye contact that communicates to the speaker that she is indeed listening. This non-verbal communication is sacred attention.
2. Use people’s names
This one is a biggie for me… a very close second to eye contact. I recently reconnected with a pastor/friend who I knew back in high school and college… after more than 20 years and it has been wildly fun! (I’m lookin’ at you, PJ Goeke!) He is one of the people who taught me how life-affirming and thoughtful it is to call people by name. Back in the day, we communicated mostly via e-mail and he would use my name not only in greeting, but in strategic places throughout the e-mails to bring further validation. This is sacred attention. When I talk to my children, I use their name—not only in reprimand, but in everyday conversation. When I text with my friends, I use their name throughout our conversation. This is not for clarification purposes; it is done in love. I feel like this concept is close to using a term of endearment—which for some might feel even more meaningful—but to me a name calls someone out as a loved individual. This is sacred attention.
There are multiple Biblical examples of this as well. The one that comes to mind for me is one of my absolute favorite passages in the Bible: Isaiah 43:1-3. “… Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior…” Did you catch that beginning? By using our name, He calls us His own. He tenderly reminds us… as individually named people… of His presence through the assured pain and brokenness that is to come. We are not alone. You are not alone. We are known and loved… by name.
3. Be present
I am a licensed social worker by trade, and currently work in the field of hospice. I learn so much on the daily about the value of human dignity and learning details about what might enhance someone’s quality of life in their last days. Yesterday, I sat with a patient of mine for almost two hours, as her body slowly ceased to function. If I’m honest, after I spoke to her, read Scripture over her, prayed for her and played her hymns from my phone, I didn’t quite know what to do. I was then reminded of what I have learned from our chaplain, and my dear friend Heidi. She has taught me that simply being present is a gift. So, there I sat, as my patient had periods of increasing apnea, coming closer and closer to the end of her time here on earth, offering all I had… my presence. Your presence matters more than you probably recognize. This can definitely mean remaining mentally present, but in this sense, I am speaking of physical presence. A silent, yet powerful reminder that one is not alone.
I recently went to be with a dear friend who had just suffered a stillbirth. Not her first stillbirth, but her second in a year. 37 and 34 weeks. Ugh. Talk about heartbreak. Talk about brokenness. I couldn’t fix the situation. I truly didn’t have words, other than “I love you”. And yet, she asked me to come be with her…. So, I did. I held both baby Caleb and baby Eleanor. I spoke their names. And I was present. I sat quietly and prayed. I cried. I offered what I had in those moments… my presence. Do not underestimate or downplay the impact of your presence. It too, is truly an offering of sacred attention.