800 Days Free: A Reflection

I hit a milestone today. 800 days free from alcohol.  This freedom entails the lack of drinking alcohol, yes.  Not a single drop in 800 days. But, for me, the freedom is much greater than that.  I’m free from the mindset of “needing” alcohol to survive motherhood… or even to have fun.  I’m free of the headaches and hangovers.  Free of the striving and mental gymnastics.  I’m free to enjoy the present moment… and to remember it. 

One of the essential parts of this journey has been community.  I am doing this alcohol-free journey with some of the most honest, and brave women I know… my Sober Sisters, turned Booze-Free Females.  We walk the road together, hands joined, to alternate carrying and being carried.  The willingness to be vulnerable is like something I have never experienced.  It has brought me to my knees.  There is not shame or judgement; but high-fives and words of encouragement. Together, we have celebrated sobriety milestones, and supported one another through the pain of separation, loneliness of mental health treatment, and anticipation of cross-country moves. 

Even within this loving community, this journey has not been easy for me… It has been difficult in ways I have never known, and it has also offered great perspective.  Sobriety has allowed me the gift of being present in relationships.  Due to this state of being emotionally “awake”, I have been able to find beauty in the nuance of life… to even be aware of the nuance of life.  I have noticed how my neighborhood pond sparkles in the sunlight.  I have seen kindness and curiosity in my children. (Not always, of course—I will celebrate it each and every time, though!) I have seen the presence of God in the painful emotions that I now choose to feel rather than to numb.  I have learned that the numbing of one emotion, regardless how painful, numbs them all.  I have embraced “feeling my feelings”. I have had to address unprocessed grief & trauma, and feel lots of shitty emotions. I have failed… and begun again.

I have gotten the question “How did you do it”?  To this, I change the question to a more poignant one, in my case: “Why do you do it”?  The answer to this question holds the key to sustained sobriety.  I have a list of answers to this question.  “To be present with my loved ones” tops the list.  This experience of true presence has only gotten sweeter with time.  I am noticing more and more every day. Additionally, there is, perhaps, a “selfish” motivation—to prove to myself that I can do it.  I got to this point after channeling my inner rebel.  (No joke, I felt a little smug thinking how I was rebelling against social norms… and also rebelling against my dark side—the part of myself trying to convince me how it was fine to stay in my state of overusing alcohol.)  An additional reason I continue this sober journey is so that I can live life in its entirety.  I now have the perspective to pay attention to the details… to watch for the beauty… to experience life in full color.  John 10:10 says, Jesus speaking, “The thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” Alcohol was stealing my joy. I was not participating in the fullness of life.  For the last 800 days, I have had life to the full.

Do you relate to this journey—whether regarding alcohol, or another coping strategy?  I welcome your thoughts at allison_henley@hotmail.com

 **Please note:  This is the story of my journey. I believe each of us blazes our own trail, and that my struggle is not the same as your struggle. Please hear no judgement in this.  It is simply a reflection on my experience, and in no way a judgement on yours.**