I Am Not Enough
Do you ever feel “not enough” in parenting? In life? Me too.
Some might label it perfectionism, idealism, or just plain negativity. When I get in this mindset, I take some time to just be. Some time to breathe. Some time to listen. Some time to be in God’s Word. Doing all of this doesn’t necessarily take the feeling away… but it reminds me that I am ok and that I am loved…. even in the “not enough”.
I played the flute for many years. As I improved over the years, I would try out for things like Regional Solo and Ensemble, etc. My senior year of high school, I made it to State with my solo. What this meant is that I had the opportunity to travel to another city and to play my piece of music—by memory—for judges, who would then give me a score. I somehow remembered the notes and melody and where to breathe. I remembered the technique my private instructor had coached me on and I played my absolute best. To this day, I can play the opening measures of that solo. I got a decent score, with one comment, though, being “not enough emotion”. (If they only knew me now…) It made me think of a fellow flute-player from another school, named Kelly. Over the years at different competitions, I had seen Kelly play. When Kelly played, she made beautiful music… AND she kind of swayed and moved her body and instrument with the music. She FELT the music. In my mind Kelly was enough. I was not enough.
Sometimes I still tend towards comparing myself with the “Kelly’s” of my current life. Did you catch that word? Comparing? When we compare ourselves to someone else, not only do we compare with them, but we are also setting a standard of perfection. What the outcome should look like. But guess what? God, in His immense kindness, made us unique individuals. All created in His image, and also with 100% exclusive DNA. Each of us has gifts that can only be offered in the exact way we offer them. No one was created exactly like us, has had the same set of experiences, holds the same set of beliefs than we do. No one. No one on this earth has the same things to offer, in the same manner as you. Each of us is 100% unique.
On a bit of a practical note, here are some things I consider when my brain gets stuck in the “I am not enough” loop.
1. Clearing my mind. I tend to need to close my eyes and rest/sleep to do this well. I learned this from my dad. He is basically a math genius. He tells us that when he had a difficult exam in college, he would position himself with his head on his arms, holding his pencil, and allow himself to relax and fall asleep. The pencil hitting the floor would wake him up, and then he would look at the problem with fresh eyes. Sometimes we need to look at our circumstances with fresh eyes.
2. Connecting with nature. Taking a 10-min walk outside can be a great reset. I know, however that this is not always possible. Get creative here. The other day, I sat outside in the rain. The water touching my skin was incredibly soothing. Take your shoes off for a minute and put your feet in the grass. Simply open the door to your house or your office and breathe in fresh air. My absolute favorite way to connect with nature is through the sky, specifically sunrise or sunset.
3. Contemplating truth. I have a handful of Bible verses that I like to recite to myself when I am in this particular state of mind. I am working on this becoming an automatic response that when I realize I am stuck in this loop, I can immediately pivot by falling hard onto the loving promises of God.
My prayer today, friends, is that God will fill all of those seemingly empty spaces in our hearts where we feel we are “not enough”, with more of Himself and His perfect peace.