Transformational Parenting
I am learning that to become a better mother, I am needing to heal from past losses and trauma. I would like to encourage you to seek out the places in your past where you have been hurt or felt deep pain or disappointment. I would like to offer some ways that I have been able to process some of these past wounds and found healing. Let me just say that none of this is easy work. It takes introspection and the ability to stare your fear and pain straight in the eyes in order to face it and heal.
You have to feel your feelings. This was difficult for me. (I’m a social worker—I should know how to do this, right?) But due to past wounds, coupled with the inclination to people-please (anyone else a people pleaser??) and stuff my emotions down and keep moving… the emotional side of me was all f-ed up. Through intentionally pursuing this work, I have been able to feel more lately. I have cried more lately. And I’ve been ok with it because I know that it is part of the process. (My husband thinks I’m crazy, but that’s ok…) I have also laughed more lately. And I’ve been ok with that too.
This process of healing is not an overnight process, but it is a transformative one. You will see results when you dig deep into this. As you journey on, you will find your needs changing, as your wounds are healing. I want to provide you with some tools to do this important, so that you are able to be more present with your kids and can perhaps enjoy your motherhood more fully!
1. Allow yourself time and space. Us moms can be especially prone to playing the martyr and ignoring our own needs. Just remember that in the end your entire family benefits from you taking time and space to do this inside work! I get up at 4:30 so that I have time and space. I need quiet for my brain to work, and I enjoy drinking my coffee and my lit candle. That all sounds super woo-woo, but it has been incredibly beneficial for me. You find what fits for you and your lifestyle. This works for me right now. The other thing is—you aren’t committing forever. Try to find your time and if it doesn’t work… try something else! I’ve used time in the school pick-up line in the past, as well as waiting for my kids during sports practice.
2. Consider the emotional peaks and valleys of your life. I did an activity at a conference once where we mapped out our times of greatest suffering and our greatest joy. Simply naming things as hard has healing value. Give yourself permission to be honest here. If something happened, perhaps a past relationship ended, and others might think it insignificant, but it truly hurt your heart. Call it out. Write it down. Name it as a point of pain from your past. Seeing the joys brings great value here too, and brings in gratitude as well. **
3. Express yourself creatively. I enjoy writing, so this has been my creative outlet. I also enjoy photography and finding beauty in nature. Even if I don’t share my creations with anyone, it is still meaningful and doing the work in my healing. I have found that photographing the sunrise is one of my absolute favorite things to do. So, every morning when I walk my son to school, I stop at the same corner and take a photo. Do I share them all? No. Do I find beauty in the photo and joy in the action? Yes! This might look like painting to you, or drawing, or singing, or gardening, or acting, or making jewelry, or anything that allows you to express yourself and brings you joy.
4. Engage your faith in your healing. Having my journey be Christ-centered has been a non-negotiable for me. I have incorporated Scripture and worship into this work, and it has been the foundation of my ongoing transformation. Our family has decided to return to in-person church and it has been such a comfort to engage in corporate worship again. I am a part of a small group Bible study that helps with accountability and staying in the Word.
5. Find your people. Sometimes us introverts struggle here, don’t we? I made a list of relationships that I wanted to focus on in order to remind myself of my priorities in connection and relationship. From there, I make extra effort to spend time with and love and serve these people. That means, I go to Bible study after a ridiculously long day at work and dinner and dishes… knowing that it would likely be after my bedtime when I got home. 😉 This also looks like making time for my husband. Putting the kids to bed early some nights, or at least have them reading in their rooms or upstairs so that we can enjoy a game of dominoes, watch a movie, or cuddle on the couch while we binge-watch a Netflix show. This is important time for us to continue to grow in our relationship.
6. Seek out things that bring you joy. Y’all. This is a fun one! Sometimes this can look like hobbies. A common response by us moms is “I don’t have time for hobbies”. My response to that? Figure it out and fit them in. What do you love to do? What did you love to do as a child? I loved to write as a child. I also loved nature. I mentioned earlier photographing the sunrise, which is a new daily practice that brings me incredible joy as well as reengages me with my faith Every. Single. Morning. For a while during this pandemic, and still to this day, I read funny memes. I like to laugh. I follow Instagram accounts that bring a smile to my face and that can lighten up things that I tend to make so heavy.
Life is about relationships. Loving people through their brokenness. And guess what? Our kids are watching. They see us doing these things and they will notice changes in us throughout our growing process. They might not be able to verbalize it, but they see it.
**A note on gratitude. Finding things to be grateful for has a huge amount of value in our mindset and daily outlook. It seems to be a common suggestion here in the past several years to finding a positive perspective. I am a huge believer in this. In our old home, we had a gratitude wall. Every night at dinner—when we only had two kids and it wasn’t quite the circus that it is today—everyone would get an index card and use colorful Sharpie’s to make our gratitude card for that day. My son couldn’t read/write at the time so he drew pictures the best that he could. We went around and discussed them and then I taped them up on the wall. It was great and had a huge impact on our family! Here is where I will caution you though—when you are looking to do deep inside work, allowing yourself to only focus on the gratitude can be a way of avoiding the painful parts. Just be mindful of this as you continue seeking gratitude as well as embracing and healing the painful parts.
I would love to hear about your journey and what you might add to this list! E-mail me at allison@redefinedmotherhood.com and let me know, or share a comment!